There’s a Megan Fox Upskirt Now

I drink a lot, so I can’t be positive if this is the first Megan Fox upskirt photo to be caught in the wild which is why I’m such a vocal proponent of celebrity crotch tagging. (Blue = 1st time. Red = 2nd, Biohazard sign = Paris Hilton, etc.) Nevertheless, here she is in Italy over the weekend because if this site is anything, it’s a library of historical events. People in the future will mine it for data on their ancestors and learn we’re a bunch of perverts who barely manage to function in the morning without seeing an Ewok eat a penis lollipop first.

Suck it, 18th Century France!

Christina Aguilera Looks.. Shiny? And Other News

Lindsay Lohan Loves The Homeless Now

Because nothing inspires the homeless like a rich drug addict sporting a court-ordered alcohol monitoring device, Lindsay Lohan stopped by the Dream Center Sunday night to hand out purses to homeless teens. You know, so they have a place for all their cell phones, credit cards, make-up, car keys, etc. God, she’s so thoughtful.

According to a source, LiLo’s business manager Lou Taylor, who also was part of her group, is a supporter of the facility and encouraged her to visit.
While there, Lindsay met with children and families, signing autographs and handing out purses to some of the teen girls.
“What a great place The Dream Center is here in LA… had a nice time there today, it’s so important to give back. I feel blessed,” Lohan later tweeted.

Oh, good, she signed autographs. Why, I can almost see a poor, malnourished girl returning to her cot now, hugging a signed photo of a woman she’s never heard of before. “Some day I’ll be addict myself to the richest drug money can buy. I just have to.. ‘Always Clean My Room?!’ Did that bitch seriously write ‘Clean My Room?’ I’m homeless. Where’s my hobo shiv?” (Don’t act like they all don’t have one.)

Ashton Kutcher is Basically the Pool Boy

While most people aren’t buying Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore’s very public attempts to look like a happy couple, this latest photo posted to Twitter over the weekend actually has me convinced Ashton didn’t bang another woman. Here’s why:

Demi Moore clearly dominates this relationship and has Ashton Kutcher’s balls in a safe deposit box whose location is known only by her and Rumer Willis if properly hypnotized. Seriously, why would he continue these shenanigans? Absolutely no one is going to fault the guy for waking up and (correctly) realizing young vagina is the bee’s knees. He can easily walk away and go on with his life. On the other hand, Demi Moore would look like an aging shrew whose vagina is no longer part of a bee’s anatomy – minus the stinger. So, what this photo demonstrates to me is a man who more than likely spends his days carting her children around when he’s not verbally abused into having Snuggle Parties for the cameras. He probably couldn’t cheat on her if there was a gun to his head. “While I appreciate the effort, excellent choice in caliber by the way, this really isn’t working for me. But we can still be Tweety friends!”

MOTHERF#%&ER!

“By day’s end, I will have my laugh at all of you.”

So Lindsay Lohan’s getting out of jail. Momen-fucking-tarily. TMZ reports:

Judge Fox ruled earlier today … Lindsay could be held without bail. But apparently the Judge’s ruling flies in the face of California law, which gives defendants the right to bail in misdemeanor cases.
Judge Patricia Schnegg, Assistant Supervising Judge for the L.A. County Criminal Courts, just threw Judge Fox’s bail decision out the window. Judge Schnegg has set bail at $300,000.
Lindsay, who is in Lynwood Jail right now, should get out soon … probably in a few hours.

As a small consolation, Lindsay is forced to wear a SCRAM device again which would be awesome if, oh I dunno, anklets had the ability to prevent drug addicts from hitting baby strollers with a moving vehicle. Last I checked they mostly just dangle around your foot, but maybe science’s advanced since the last time I saw one. At any rate, I’ll be planting large quantities of explosives in the San Andreas fault and praying to a God who clearly doesn’t exist to help me exact his vengeance on a modern day Gomorrah. Adieu.

(Side Note: I am never doing a Quote of the Day post again. Seriously, if I had a daughter, that thing would be in her bedroom right now. That’s how bad it backfired.)

Quote of the Day

Ms. Lohan cannot be released early because this isn’t a jail sentence,” L.A. Sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore says. “She’s being held by court order until her hearing on Oct. 22.”

Sweet Music to My Eyes

Welcome to the latest Lindsay Lohan mug shot. I was kind of hoping this one would involve more crying and scratching at the walls considering she was 100% convinced she’d be balls deep in whiskey by now, but I’m not about to look a gift horse in the coke receptacle. In the meantime, if the mug shot’s not doing it for you, I added pics of Dina walking out of the courthouse with Lindsay’s shoes because the look on her face is probably the most priceless thing I’ll ever see in my life. I could watch my own child being born then nestled to sleep under a starry sky by a panda next to a waterfall and still be thinking about that face. “Yeah, honey, it’s adorable, but remember Dina Lohan’s face when Lindsay went to jail? *sniff* I know, I know. I promised I wouldn’t get choked up again. But she was just so pissed.”

Captain America Loves His Old Navy Capris!

Because the last set went over so well (Nerds.), here are actual shots of Chris Evans as Captain America, or more precisely, Steve Rogers, (Okay, I’m the nerd.) while filming in Manchester this morning. Turns out this interpretation of Cap will be light on the shield and tights, but heavy on the Capri pants and hobbit feet which is how I’ve always envisioned him in my head despite the fact he’s a character from an entirely visual medium. “Hey, Hitler, there’s a sale on chinos – but you’re not invited. *BOFF*

‘There Is Another… Sky.. walker.’

As Lindsay Lohan prepares to appear in court today knowing she’ll never see the inside of a jail cell – her usual Friday – 16-year-old Ali Lohan is quietly being groomed in the wings to carry her sister’s torch so their mother will never have to get a real job. Here she is posing for Lindsay’s 6126 clothing line’s Spring/Summer 2011 collection (above) because you know what they did wrong with firecrotch? Waited too long to sexualize her. Clearly, that’s where everything fell apart and not at all the shitass parenting. “Can we get accentuate those illegal breasts some more? I don’t want to pull another daughter out of the opium den I drove her to because I’m Dina Lohan. These kids just have no moderation, I swear.”