Lindsay Lohan Tweeted Her Drug Test Confession From The Bar

When Lindsay Lohan shockingly admitted to failing her drug test without blaming her dad or a shadow government dedicated to making her look bad, it was just assumed she either Tweeted it before going out and getting drunk or her publicist wrote the whole thing. Turns out she cranked that shit out while knocking back Jack Daniels which I blame myself for not immediately suggesting was the case. It’s so obvious. Us Weekly reports:

But a witness saw the star craft her statement that night on her Blackberry at Hollywood eatery Magnolia — and tells the new Us Weekly that a flippant Lohan laughed and quaffed Jack and Cokes as she typed.
Lohan composed her missive as her assistant and a male pal coached her on how to make it “more personal,” the witness recounts. “Her friend would say, ‘No, use ’setback,’ don’t say ‘mistake.’ They’ll say you make mistakes all the time!” The friend went on, “It’s better to say you’re responsible. Denying it will just get everyone mad per usual.” Lohan’s response: “She giggled” and had her assistant order her another Jack and Coke, the Magnolia spy tells Us.

While this sounds like a situation that has nowhere to go but wrapped up in a shower curtain, Chad Ochocinco has the answer. Via Versus:

I think she needs to date a black dude.

BOOM! I’m on board. Not only with this cultivate diversity, but finally Lindsay’s fastest way to score coke money will no longer be the simple task it once was. “Wait. That whole thing? Ugh, this’ll be like actual work. — I quit. Drive me to rehab.”